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i never again want to wake up and find
that someone else has gone in the night.
when i was 8, my father’s body decided
it was no longer vital, so it stopped
giving him signs, instead, a fistfight
he didn’t survive. i only ever succeeded
in burying him at the back of my mind.
at 16, when my brother drives home
at midnight, i fear a car crash,
i fear him closing his eyes, so i never do.
i don’t want him to be awake late alone,
so i sit up in bed until he gets home.
i can sleep when i’m dead, but neither of us
is ready for that yet.
Kuya, you
are my architect, for when it felt like
our world had ended, it was you who stood
to save us from the wreckage,
from all the nothing that came of everything
our father built. it was you who stirred the dust,
who laid the floor on which we found our footing,
you who built the bridge from his life
and what came after.
Papa, you
faded from our days like a distant figure
through a window in the rain;
i am your bad weather daughter,
no umbrellas and too much water.
you are the only man i’ll always care for
that i’ll never truly know. your strength
is your legacy and your boy
is my hero.
i should stop looking for you in the storm front
and instead at him in the mirror.
he is his father’s son, and the best of us.
he bears your mantle like a man,
but is still 12 like when you left us.
since then, i have always found you in him,
because the thing about loving a dead man is
you never truly bury him.
Glory Be! Day 274 or thereabouts

Kuya in this context means older brother in Filipino. It's been far, far too long since I've uploaded anything here and that's because since Tribute, I haven't completed a piece. Still writing every day though (thank god for the Glory Be Project) and hoping to finish some of the stuff I've been working on. This is the first result of my rustiness, and it might be utterly terrible (erratic slant rhyming eh) or it might be something. To be completely honest I was a tearstained mess while writing this. It was good to get it out, but it could use some work. Let me know what you think. :heart:

%theWrittenRevolution
Critique on Coffee Shop Confession by ~ilyilaice

:bulletblue: It's been awhile since I've written free verse, and I am shit at line breaks. Help me?
:bulletblue: Talk to me about that slant rhyming, if it works or if it has to go. (also that us/us him/him towards the end does it bother you as much as it bothers me? :stare: Haven't figured out a way around it)
:bulletblue: Tell me truly if that bit from "Kuya, you" downwards is cheesy.
:bulletblue: General comments about word choice, flow, etc.? Anything you think I could tighten up. :)

EDIT 11/09 You should go shower =doughboycafe and ^neurotype with love and devotion, yes, yes you should. :heart:

And around the time I posted this, ~theeggo and I were joking in the comments  down below about this getting a DD. Funny that it came true.

EDIT 12/07 Cut a couple of unnecessary words and fixed the line breaks and such. I think I'm finally happy with the format.
Add a Comment:
 

Daily Deviation

Given 2013-11-09
fathers is by ~Flummoxative. ( Suggested by doughboycafe and Featured by neurotype )
:icontheeggo:
theeggo Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2014
I just reread this and it still gave me feels. You're amazing. Post more nga!
Reply
:iconflummo:
flummo Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2014  Student Writer
:heart: you give me feels
Reply
:iconilyilaice:
ilyilaice Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2013
oh hey congrats on the DD! :heart: :w00t:
Reply
:iconflummo:
flummo Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2013  Student Writer
Sorry to reply so late - thank you! :love:
Reply
:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Hello! 

It has been a while since I wrote a proper critique, and I liked your poem so much that I thought I'd flex my analytical muscles with it. Please keep in mind that these are only suggestions. It is your poem. Write it the way you see fit. Disclaimer done! Let's dig in. :)

Your Questions:

Line Breaks

I do agree that your breaks need some work in this. It seems like you sort of put them in wherever you remembered you are supposed to be breaking lines in a poem. Line breaks in free verse should be used to draw attention to a certain image or thought. So generally it is not a great idea to break lines on words that are not important to the image in that line. For instance:

it was no longer vital, and so it stopped giving him
signs, and instead
a fistfight he didn't survive.
i only ever succeeded
in burying him at the back of my mind.

Breaking on "instead" has no impact for me. The words are just kind of sitting there on the line. I'd revise that section to something like:

it was no longer vital, so stopped
giving him signs, instead a fistfight 
he didn't survive. I only succeeded 
at burying him at the back of my mind.

Those breaks also set of an almost-assonance with all the long-i sounds in that section with vital, signs, fistfight, survive, and mind.

If you're looking for good tips on line breaks, I recommend this article: The Breaking Point: End-stopping and Enjambment by `SparrowSong

Slant Rhymes

Personally, slant rhymes are my favorite. It is something I fall back on quite often. If you're worried about them, my best advice is to read your poem aloud - or better yet, have a friend or family member read it to you - to see where they might seem forced or out of place. I didn't personally have a problem with any of them.

Cheesy

I didn't think any of it was cheesy. Just honest. :)

Ways to Tighten Up Your Wording

I think the biggest weakness in this poem is that you over-use prepositions, conjunctions and articles. There are several areas where you can replace the word "and" or "so" (or "and so", which is a no-no usually) with a punctuation mark of some kind. Go through your piece with a highlighter and find every preposition, article, pronoun, conjunction, etc - if you can cross it out without losing clarity, do so. It'll really cut down on wordiness. If you need a pause, try to use a line break or some punctuation to create it. Here's a great guide to punctuating poetry: Punctuating Poetry Part 1 and Part 2 by ~LaMonaca

Otherwise, I thought this was a great piece. :) Keep practicing your poetic chops! They've got a great start.

:heart: Lili
Reply
:iconflummo:
flummo Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2013  Student Writer
Line Breaks - "It seems like you sort of put them in wherever you remembered you are supposed to be breaking lines in a poem." that's sort of what it was like... :ashamed: Haha I'm always learning when it comes to writing long free verse. I used to do more of it, then fell into prose-poetry or reaaaally short poetry, and decided I should give it a shot again, so I'm still feeling my way around. I've done a couple of edits with this and I'm still not totally happy with it, still figuring it out, so I'm definitely going to take your suggestions into consideration. :)

Slant Rhymes - I have read this aloud and it works for me. I actually like slant rhyming too, I just don't want to overdo it. :laughing: Thank you!

Ways To Tighten Up Your Wording - Thanks for bringing that up. :ohnoes: There are a lot of 'em running around... And thanks for the highlighter suggestion, I'm definitely going to try that.

Everything else - Just thank you, for critiquing and for all the resources, I'll check them out. I really appreciate it :heart:
Reply
:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
My pleasure. :heart: 
Reply
:icontwistedlittlesoul:
twistedlittlesoul Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
O. M. G. This is my past right here!!!! My dad died when I was eight. Only that my brother left me and forgot about me.
Reply
:iconflummo:
flummo Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2013  Student Writer
Well hell, what a coincidence. I'm sorry to hear that though. I hope that the rest of your family is intact and that despite that you're doing well now, really. :huggle:
Reply
:icontwistedlittlesoul:
twistedlittlesoul Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Yeah it's fine. It's been 8 years now. Family wise, I'm the only one alive that has my dads last name. On my dad side everyone else died before I was born.
Reply
:iconyour-methamphetamine:
your-methamphetamine Featured By Owner Nov 13, 2013  Student Writer
this is perfect, oh my god I love you.
Reply
:iconflummo:
flummo Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2013  Student Writer
thankyouthankyouthankyou I love you
Reply
:icontheeggo:
theeggo Featured By Owner Nov 10, 2013
No! No! No! Why'd you edit it?! It was perfect to begin with, that's why it got a DD. It's poetry, let them feel awkard with the line breaks. Thats the whole point. Just write drunk. Uninhibited.
Reply
:iconflummo:
flummo Featured By Owner Nov 11, 2013  Student Writer
I felt awkward with a couple of the line breaks, I really meant to edit 'em. I think I'm pretty happy with how it is now though. Don't tell me what to do!!!

:heart:
Reply
:icontheeggo:
theeggo Featured By Owner Nov 11, 2013
Hahaha, nagdrama sa edit :))
Reply
:icontreasures-of-wisdom:
Treasures-Of-Wisdom Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
This was amazing, and ... if you need them, I will gladly give you prayers for peace and comfort.
Reply
:iconflummo:
flummo Featured By Owner Nov 11, 2013  Student Writer
I'm doing fine, but thank you, for the compliment and for the offer. :heart:
Reply
:icontreasures-of-wisdom:
Treasures-Of-Wisdom Featured By Owner Nov 11, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
You are most welcome.  Still praying for you, and, umm ...... if you don't mind my asking, how are things going in your area?  I know there's been some nasty weather recently ...
Reply
:iconflummo:
flummo Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2013  Student Writer
I live in Manila, so we weren't really affected by Haiyan/Yolanda, but it's a terrible fucking mess down in the Visayas region, especially in Leyte. Relief operations are going on everywhere, but it's gonna be years before everything's as it was. It's great of you to ask, really.
Reply
:icontreasures-of-wisdom:
Treasures-Of-Wisdom Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
You are always welcome.  Still remembering you and your nation in my thoughts and prayers, and I'm glad you are doing well.
Reply
:iconflummo:
flummo Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you so much, again. :heart:
Reply
:iconthegalleryofeve:
TheGalleryOfEve Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Congratulations on your well-deserved DD!!! :iconflyingheartsplz::iconlainloveplz::iconflyingheartsplz: :clap::clap::clap:
Reply
:iconflummo:
flummo Featured By Owner Nov 11, 2013  Student Writer
Thank yoooou :heart:
Reply
:iconvertigineuxvegetable:
VertigineuxVegetable Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2013  Student General Artist
This is very lovely and touching, but I found the writing a little awkward. Personally, I can only tolerate line breaks at the end of clauses/places where there us already a natural pause, so I found that very distracting. Also, it is a little odd to have vital signs and a fistfight be parallel, as I understood what you meant by signs but one's body rarely gives one a fistfight. So, it yeah, not my favorite, as I tend to focus more on language and structure, and I suppose I felt at first a little bitter how much praise it has gotten. But really, the poem expresses a beautiful and very truthful-feeling sentiment, which I think is what matters here. 
Reply
:iconflummo:
flummo Featured By Owner Nov 11, 2013  Student Writer
I struggled with the line breaks on this one, so I get you. I've edited it a little bit from how it was originally formatted though, and I think it flows better now. I didn't mean a literal fistfight, if that's what you're saying. :laughing: And I respect your opinion, but people like different things, so I don't see why there would be any need for bitterness. Thanks for the critique though, and I'm glad that you were still able to appreciate this on some level. :)
Reply
:iconunspecifiedunknown:
UnspecifiedUnknown Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2013   Writer
a true goddess of words, you
Reply
:iconflummo:
flummo Featured By Owner Nov 11, 2013  Student Writer
:love: thank you, means a lot coming from you :heart::heart:
Reply
:iconblueeyes0001:
Blueeyes0001 Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
Congrats on the DD! IT is well deserved!
Reply
:iconflummo:
flummo Featured By Owner Nov 11, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you! :heart::heart:
Reply
:iconblueeyes0001:
Blueeyes0001 Featured By Owner Nov 11, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
you're welcome! :heart:
Reply
:iconcristinewakesuphappy:
cristinewakesuphappy Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
congratulations! :trophy:
Reply
:iconflummo:
flummo Featured By Owner Nov 11, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you :D
Reply
:iconaskmiku-or-rin:
AskMiku-or-Rin Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2013
i-you-*cries*
Reply
:iconflummo:
flummo Featured By Owner Nov 11, 2013  Student Writer
:heart:
Reply
:iconflametail990:
flametail990 Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2013  Student General Artist
:iconcomfortplz:
Reply
:iconflummo:
flummo Featured By Owner Nov 11, 2013  Student Writer
:hug:
Reply
:iconstartanewlif3:
StartANewLif3 Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2013  Student General Artist
Galing!
Reply
:iconflummo:
flummo Featured By Owner Nov 11, 2013  Student Writer
Salamat! :D
Reply
:iconstartanewlif3:
StartANewLif3 Featured By Owner Nov 11, 2013  Student General Artist
:)
Reply
:iconarabesque-o:
arabesque-o Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2013  Student Photographer
damn, this is.... so beyond any adjectives i have to express the amazingness.
um, wow.
Reply
:iconflummo:
flummo Featured By Owner Nov 11, 2013  Student Writer
You made me feel all warm and fuzzy with this :heart: thank you.
Reply
:iconarabesque-o:
arabesque-o Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2013  Student Photographer
i'm glad. you're lovely, kid.
Reply
:iconmomo-madness:
momo-madness Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2013   Writer
CONGRATS ON THE DD BEAUTIFUL :heart::heart:
Reply
:iconflummo:
flummo Featured By Owner Nov 11, 2013  Student Writer
THANKS SO MUCH MO YOU ARE LOVELY (can I call you Mo) :heart::heart:
Reply
:iconmomo-madness:
momo-madness Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2013   Writer
YES YOU CAN CALL ME MO (low key i really like that nickname) :heart:
Reply
:iconflummo:
flummo Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2013  Student Writer
Mo it is then! :la:
Reply
:iconmomo-madness:
momo-madness Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2013   Writer
<333
Reply
:iconfudgsicles:
fudgsicles Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist

this is so beautiful, and good work getting this dd!!

i can't imagine what my world would be like without my dad, but you give a perfect heartbreaking snippet of your own experiences <33

i couldnt have asked for a more better dd

Reply
:iconflummo:
flummo Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you so much. :heart:
Reply
:iconauthoressrewritten:
AuthoressRewritten Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2013  Student General Artist
This is how I feel every time someone I love is away from home. I can't sleep until I hear them open the door.
Reply
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