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May 23, 2012
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did you hope with me, Isaiah?
or did I merely dream the days of our stand;
of red strings, of stardust,
of too-small hands & too-long hair,

& of the words, the words, the words

(the ones you had me
believe you were worth)



for it was you who said,
"go big or go home.
I will give you the world,
or nothing at all.

this, I promise to you."


so dear to me, the vowels & the verbs,
the air hissing through
your teeth: gateways
to a barren land

words

like wind through the trees,
like ghosts through the tombstones.


have you left me, Isaiah?
I travel north & farther north, still,
for humans do, subconsciously,
gravitate homeward.
but you are nowhere to be found

except in the silence.

& never have I ever known
such a selfish, selfish boy,
who
would warm himself with my faith
then snuff it out
with no change
of light in his eyes


I am a cup, & your words
are not water, but dead earth.
& so you will always have
a part of me
in you:

my grave.


truly,

did you love me, Isaiah?
for it was heartbreaking,
how you built me up then broke me down
so flawlessly, & how fiercely
you fought for me


—not at all.
"I won't give up on us
even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up"


For ~WhimsicalApocalypse

It has been ages and ages since my last poem, and I am so very obviously rusty, and I wrote this at 3 am, and it would be nice if you could help me out a little.

:iconthewrittenrevolution:
Critique [link] for Eucalyptus by ~IndigoSkyes. Go check it out. ;)

:bulletblack: I have mixed feelings about this one, general dissatisfaction warring with I-should-just-leave-it-as-it-is, so how'd you find it as a whole?
:bulletwhite: Anything you liked or didn't like in particular?
:bulletblack:I'm not sure I really like the second Isaiah stanza ("have you left me..."). What do you think?
:bulletwhite: Was this lacking in imagery?
:bulletblack:I think the story is pretty obvious, but I'd like to hear your interpretation. How do you think the characters stand in the relationship?
:bulletwhite: General comments!! :)

:icondailylitdeviations: :heart: Nov 18th '12 suggested by ~Solarune and featured by *Carmalain7

:heart:FEATURED

:bulletblue: #theWrittenRevolution's Writers of the Revolution, November 10th by ~Solarune
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:iconrandomlyinspired-21:
randomlyinspired-21 Nov 23, 2012  Student Writer
& of the words, the words, the words

(the ones you had me
believe you were worth)


I was actually singing this bit while reading-:heart: I love your wordplay! :love:

I really feel the heartbreak-sadly I had a heartbreak like this once, but only to a crush I had once, so... :blush:

Lovely as always! :huggle:
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:iconflummo:
flummo Nov 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I think that's my favorite feedback on this yet. :laughing: That's so cool, thank you!

This wasn't my heartbreak I was writing about, but my cousin's, though I've experienced it myself. Hope you're okay now. :hug:
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:iconrandomlyinspired-21:
randomlyinspired-21 Nov 25, 2012  Student Writer
hahahaha you're welcome! :)

Oh I see. Yeah it happened a long time ago, but you know memories when you read something like this :heart: :laugh:
Reply
:iconflummo:
flummo Nov 26, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I understand, and sorry about that. :(

Mind telling me a little more about it, if it's alright...? :giggle: I'm genuinely curious.
Reply
:iconrandomlyinspired-21:
randomlyinspired-21 Nov 26, 2012  Student Writer
Maybe a note might be best :laugh: XD
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:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Nov 20, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Goodness...

& never have I ever known
such a selfish, selfish boy,
who
would warm himself with my faith
then snuff it out
with no change
of light in his eyes


Sounds like an epic sort of love and loss. Excellent writing, dear.
Reply
:iconflummo:
flummo Nov 21, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
It wasn't my love or loss but my cousin's, and I tried my best to tell her story. :heart: Thank you so much.
Reply
:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Nov 21, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
You really did a phenomenal job, then.
It seemed quite close to you. :heart:
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Nov 18, 2012   General Artist
Goodness, this is gorgeous! :heart:
Congratulations on the DLD, lovely! :tighthug:
Reply
:iconflummo:
flummo Nov 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank yooou. :icondummylahugplz:
Reply
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