Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login
did you hope with me, Isaiah?
or did I merely dream the days of our stand;
of red strings, of stardust,
of too-small hands & too-long hair,

& of the words, the words, the words

(the ones you had me
believe you were worth)



for it was you who said,
"go big or go home.
I will give you the world,
or nothing at all.

this, I promise to you."


so dear to me, the vowels & the verbs,
the air hissing through
your teeth: gateways
to a barren land

words

like wind through the trees,
like ghosts through the tombstones.


have you left me, Isaiah?
I travel north & farther north, still,
for humans do, subconsciously,
gravitate homeward.
but you are nowhere to be found

except in the silence.

& never have I ever known
such a selfish, selfish boy,
who
would warm himself with my faith
then snuff it out
with no change
of light in his eyes


I am a cup, & your words
are not water, but dead earth.
& so you will always have
a part of me
in you:

my grave.


truly,

did you love me, Isaiah?
for it was heartbreaking,
how you built me up then broke me down
so flawlessly, & how fiercely
you fought for me


—not at all.
"I won't give up on us
even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up"


For ~WhimsicalApocalypse

It has been ages and ages since my last poem, and I am so very obviously rusty, and I wrote this at 3 am, and it would be nice if you could help me out a little.

:iconthewrittenrevolution:
Critique [link] for Eucalyptus by ~IndigoSkyes. Go check it out. ;)

:bulletblack: I have mixed feelings about this one, general dissatisfaction warring with I-should-just-leave-it-as-it-is, so how'd you find it as a whole?
:bulletwhite: Anything you liked or didn't like in particular?
:bulletblack:I'm not sure I really like the second Isaiah stanza ("have you left me..."). What do you think?
:bulletwhite: Was this lacking in imagery?
:bulletblack:I think the story is pretty obvious, but I'd like to hear your interpretation. How do you think the characters stand in the relationship?
:bulletwhite: General comments!! :)

:icondailylitdeviations: :heart: Nov 18th '12 suggested by ~Solarune and featured by *Carmalain7

:heart:FEATURED

:bulletblue: #theWrittenRevolution's Writers of the Revolution, November 10th by ~Solarune
Add a Comment:
 
:iconrandomlyinspired-21:
randomlyinspired-21 Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012  Student Writer
& of the words, the words, the words

(the ones you had me
believe you were worth)


I was actually singing this bit while reading-:heart: I love your wordplay! :love:

I really feel the heartbreak-sadly I had a heartbreak like this once, but only to a crush I had once, so... :blush:

Lovely as always! :huggle:
Reply
:iconflummo:
flummo Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2012  Student Writer
I think that's my favorite feedback on this yet. :laughing: That's so cool, thank you!

This wasn't my heartbreak I was writing about, but my cousin's, though I've experienced it myself. Hope you're okay now. :hug:
Reply
:iconrandomlyinspired-21:
randomlyinspired-21 Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Student Writer
hahahaha you're welcome! :)

Oh I see. Yeah it happened a long time ago, but you know memories when you read something like this :heart: :laugh:
Reply
:iconflummo:
flummo Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012  Student Writer
I understand, and sorry about that. :(

Mind telling me a little more about it, if it's alright...? :giggle: I'm genuinely curious.
Reply
:iconrandomlyinspired-21:
randomlyinspired-21 Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012  Student Writer
Maybe a note might be best :laugh: XD
Reply
:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Goodness...

& never have I ever known
such a selfish, selfish boy,
who
would warm himself with my faith
then snuff it out
with no change
of light in his eyes


Sounds like an epic sort of love and loss. Excellent writing, dear.
Reply
:iconflummo:
flummo Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012  Student Writer
It wasn't my love or loss but my cousin's, and I tried my best to tell her story. :heart: Thank you so much.
Reply
:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
You really did a phenomenal job, then.
It seemed quite close to you. :heart:
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2012   General Artist
Goodness, this is gorgeous! :heart:
Congratulations on the DLD, lovely! :tighthug:
Reply
:iconflummo:
flummo Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2012  Student Writer
Thank yooou. :icondummylahugplz:
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2012   General Artist
Most welcome indeed, wee writing wonder. :huggle:
Reply
:icondailylitdeviations:
DailyLitDeviations Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2012
Your wonderful literary work has been chosen to be featured by DailyLitDeviations in a news article that can be found here [link]
Be sure to check out the other artists featured and show your support by :+fav:ing the News Article.
Reply
:iconflummo:
flummo Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2012  Student Writer
Oh my goodness, thank you so so much! :D
Reply
:iconcloudhorn:
Cloudhorn Featured By Owner Nov 13, 2012
In general I really enjoyed this. And actually my favourite part is the second Isaiah stanza. I do think it has less imagery than the former part of the poem, but it's also to the point, and that works well here imo. The change of pace when you go from being very poetic (as opposed to being frank. Is there a better suited word for that?) "gateways / to a barren land / words / like wind through the trees, / like ghosts through the tombstones" to being, indeed, very frank in "& never have I ever known / such a selfish..." gives it a nice flow.

But I don't see the connection between your heartbreak and your grave. Up until "my grave." I think the poem as a whole flowed well, but it didn't quite work for me to connect your present feelings of heartbreak (which to me the rest of the poem focuses on) and your distant death. To me that feels overly dramatic. Do you see what I mean? Or have I missed something vital here?

I find it hard to describe my interpretation in words, but I've read a few of your poems now and you've moved me, so I felt I should at least try and give critique.

My favourite lines, definitely "& never have I ever known" to "of light in his eyes". That one had an especially nice flow to it.
Reply
:iconflummo:
flummo Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2012  Student Writer
It's funny how the parts you liked the most are the parts I don't really like in particular. :laughing: I see what you mean, though. I wrote this for my cousin, this is her experience and I was trying to see it through her eyes. The boy, Isaiah, made a lot of promises that he ended up never keeping and that was the death of her resolve to keep forging ahead with their relationship. Yes, I see what you mean, and sorry that didn't come across clearly.

Thank you for the critique and for looking around my gallery. :D :heart:
Reply
:iconcloudhorn:
Cloudhorn Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2012
It was my pleasure :). And thanks for sharing a bit of the backstory, it's always nice to know.
Reply
:iconarashi-no-mushroom:
Arashi-no-Mushroom Featured By Owner May 31, 2012
This is wonderful. I love it. :) My favorite part was the last few lines with the:
did you love me, Isaiah?
for it was heartbreaking,
how you built me up then broke me down
so flawlessly, & how fiercely
you fought for me


—not at all.


ESPECIALLY the : how you built me up then broke me down part.

And the have you left me...part was okay. It didn't sound awkward or forced or anything. So I think it was okay.

The imagery was fine. I could practically feel whatever doubt or disappointment the speaker had. Well doubt and disappointment was what I thought he felt. Correct me if I'm wrong.

And I'm not really good at interpreting stuff. So I'm not really sure. But for some reason this made me think of Jesus Christ and Judas Iscariot...

I like the poem though! :meow:
Reply
:iconflummo:
flummo Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2012  Student Writer
I'm glad you felt me through the words. :heart: Well, not really me, as I was trying to channel someone else while writing this, but yes, doubt and disappointment are exactly what she's feeling.

It's actually about the breakdown of a relationship, and despite the biblical name, is in no way connected to the bible, but yeah. :))

Thank you for your feedback. :heart::heart:
Reply
:iconarashi-no-mushroom:
Arashi-no-Mushroom Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2012
Oh! Okay! I understand now, thank you~ :meow:

And you're welcome!
Reply
:iconwhimsicalapocalypse:
WhimsicalApocalypse Featured By Owner May 24, 2012  Student Writer
Thank you so much, hun.

It's honestly beautiful. Like you just took all my thoughts and arranged them in an incredibly pretty bouquet.

I understand what 'bittersweet' really means now. A lot of the times, I wish I didn't, but I do.

Love you, and thank you again for this. >:D<
Reply
:iconflummo:
flummo Featured By Owner May 25, 2012  Student Writer
:heart: Again and always, for you.
Reply
:iconunspecifiedunknown:
UnspecifiedUnknown Featured By Owner May 23, 2012   Writer
"I am a cup, & your words
are not water, but dead earth.
& so you will always have
a part of me
in you:

my grave.


truly,

did you love me, Isaiah?
for it was heartbreaking,
how you built me up then broke me down
so flawlessly, & how fiercely
you fought for me


—not at all."


your line breaks are especially gorgeous. adds special emphasis to your words.
which, are such lovely, striking words. the imagery is beautiful, concise, clear.

as a whole, this works perfectly. don't change it please :heart:

Reply
:iconflummo:
flummo Featured By Owner May 24, 2012  Student Writer
Thank you for this, and the :+fav: as well. :heart:
Reply
Add a Comment:
 
×

:iconflummo: More from flummo


Featured in Collections

Poetry by 91816119

Literature by Sammur-amat

The Written Word by LadyWolfRider


More from DeviantArt



Details

Submitted on
May 23, 2012
File Size
1.5 KB
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
708
Favourites
23 (who?)
Comments
23
×